Hello Kitty! Fatbike!

I was sixteen years old when, 50 years ago, the helmet requirement for mopeds was introduced. A lot of noise, of course. A helmet cost money, got in the way, looked bad and, most importantly: suddenly, every day became a bad hair day. The latter was probably the real reason for the moped's nose-dive in popularity.

In the beginning, we tried to solve this, by getting some wind through our hair before school started, by riding a few laps without a helmet on the adjacent soccer field, which really resulted in life-threatening scenes. Barely a week later, the gate of the soccer field was locked and the mopeds in the shed were slowly but surely replaced by bicycles. It wasn't really fun anymore anyway, with those police traps on Saturday evenings. They knew exactly which parts were original and which weren't. Many people had to walk home. Mopeds wouldn’t move, after the carburetor was removed. And if the cylinder was found to be too big, your entire moped was confiscated.

Half a century later, history repeats itself, but political parties seem to come out of it badly. Definitions, minimum ages, helmet requirements and enforcement problems. It seems a bit like the farce of the moon rockets. About 50 years ago as well, we apparently just landed there but, somehow, we don’t succeed anymore.

Back to Dutch indecisiveness on earth. Of course, I can think of a number of reasons why it is all so difficult. The fat bike lobby (and you definitely will not hear me talking about bribery and kickbacks), family matters (perhaps our wise politicians have recently given a fat bike as a gift to their beloved sons, daughters, nephews or nieces), fear of disruptions (in my most beautiful dreams I, see the fat bike legion marching over the A12 towards the Houses of Parliament), or simply election-fear.

While it is so simple.

Just let politicians decide for themselves what a fat bike is. Thickness of the tires, width of the pedals, maximum speed, CO2 emissions, maximum load capacity and who knows what else… the Wise from the West will surely figure that out.

At the same time, introduce a helmet requirement. Once your bike is classified as a fat bike, you wear a helmet. A bright green or pink Hello Kitty helmet, to simply make it clear to all road users: here rides a fat bike! The equivalent of the yellow plate from the past, so to speak.

And then we still need an influencer. Someone like the unforgettable Dutch comedian Youp van’t Hek who, on New Year’s Eve 1989 killed the sales of alcohol-free beer by making himself immortal with the term ‘Buckler Sucker’, which immediately brings us to the ‘word of the year’-contest. We still have some time, but I think that fatbikeloser, fat roll, electropirate and kittynerd have a good chance.

Mr. Lubach, your popularity in The Netherlands is sky high. Perhaps a job for you?

But I guess I’m dreaming too much. Probably nothing will really be done about this loser terror until one of those fat bike-idiots hits a wolf.

Bye-bye, Kitty!